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It’s New Year’s Eve 2014, and I get to spend it with good friends and in yoga clothes, a perfect ending to a long hard year. This past week, however, I’ve been experiencing what I call “growing pains”. Let me explain.
With each one of you I’ve met with or read a card or message from, I have so much joy and heartache both. I realize how much I love every single one of you and as I’m happily answering your questions about my new plans, I’m realizing I’m going to have to leave you for awhile to live them out.
That doesn’t deter me, or make me question my decision, instead it feels beautiful and sad and incredible and, well very difficult to describe.
I’ve been crying a lot lately, this kind of cry where’s there’s actual pain in my heart and the tears are big, fat, crocodile tears. The thoughts I’m having are memories of my past, all the hard work I’ve done to be where I am, how much I’m going to miss everyone and how what is happening to me right now is a huge shift in my entire being.
Tonight I went from dancing and singing to sobbing within minutes. The painful crying was accompanied by thoughts of the beautiful cards, letters, messages, texts, phone calls and gifts from so many of you. It was for accomplishing my goals with healing my body and spirit, growing my two businesses, having the courage to leave unhealthy situations, and pride in, and love of myself.
As I sell off my belongings, I find myself feeling more lonely. I find this to be very interesting as well. Why would the absence of furniture cause me to feel a feeling that is usually associated with other human beings, such as loneliness? A dear friend answered that question for me today. She said that it’s not the furniture I see leaving, it’s the life I know, the familiar, and it’s ok to grieve that. The moment she said it, it felt true. I took a big breath and let it all go. That’s all I really needed to hear in that moment.
Talking to another friend today, I told her that some people close to me were throwing alot of “what ifs” at me, and it really brought me down. “What if you meet someone?”, “What if you get sick?”, “What if you run out of money?”, “What if a volcano erupts while you’re there?!”
So my friend made a good point. People don’t ask those kinds of questions on a daily basis, think about it. What if I meet someone tomorrow while sick during a volcanic eruption? What if?!
This friend reminded me to have patience with the questions, and although I can’t comprehend NOT doing what I’m doing for possible “what if” scenarios, I can understand that their questions come from a place of love and care. I know that some of my closest family members won’t feel settled until they see me doing well, and I am so lucky to have that kind of love in my life.
The loneliness also comes from the simple fact that I am doing this alone. That’s ok. I want and need this experience, for me and my own personal and spiritual growth.
Some would feel the pain of change and consider it a sign that it’s not the right thing to do. What I wish everyone could see is that big change cannot be possible without some sort of pain, unless you have no heart. It’s imperative that you work through it, not avoid it, and stay aware of the feelings and thoughts that occur during the process.
I’ve received several messages from people I haven’t seen or spoken to in years, and they’re telling me what they are suffering with right now and how they wish they could make changes too. There are so many people who feel stuck and afraid.
The best advice I can give is this:
1. Write down what it is you want
2. Write the fears that stop you from moving forward
3. Solve the “problem” of the fear by writing ways to work around the “what ifs”
4. Acknowledge that you don’t want to have regrets
5. and that you don’t know how much time you actually have
6. Make one small move a day towards your goals
7. Become your best Self
You might have growing pains, but if you don’t try, you’ll never know what could have been.