Tag Archives: journey

Home?

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It’s been one week since I left home, and I hadn’t finished unpacking in Costa Rica, when it was time to repack for Nicaragua. I’ve been in Nicaragua three days, and we will be here 6 more on a life coaching retreat.  This is the same place and same retreat I made my decision to change my life at just 12 weeks ago.

Over the past several days I’ve been asked how much I’m loving life right now, how my new home is, and where I think I’ll be in a year.  The thing is, I can’t answer any of those questions.  I have never in my life been so unable to identify my feelings. I am confused.

I know I am very lucky to have had a roommate waiting for me with a condo, a housekeeper, a group of people who welcomed me with open arms, and a couple of jobs ready for me when I got to Costa Rica.  However, that doesn’t mean that this isn’t hard to do.  To some, my move to Costa Rica was no big deal, easy and simple.  To others, I’m doing something they can’t, and may not even want to imagine.  My point is, it’s all relative and my experience cannot be compared to others’.  This is my dream, I am living it, and it’s scary, it’s lonely,  it’s exciting and fun, and it feels so, so weird!

I am 38 years old and have never lived outside of Cleveland.  I’ve lived a fairly sheltered life in the suburbs, always just a phone call and minutes away from my parents and grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. I’ve worked since I was 14, through illness and through pain, but I’ve never had to worry about money or safety.  If I got sick, my mom would be there for me.  If I needed a home repair, my dad would come right over.  If I wanted to go out, I had a plethora of friends I could call to arrange a last minute evening out. I miss my family and friends, but I don’t want to quit and go back.  I miss the comforts of home, but I don’t want to go home.  I don’t feel at home in my new place, but I don’t want to leave.  I am feeling the discomfort I hoped to feel, and I am loving it and confused by it at the same time.

In other words, I don’t know how I feel, but I don’t think I need to.  I have faith and trust in my own intuition, and in God and my guides.  I can visualize and feel where I need to be, even if I don’t understand why.  The “why” is not for me to answer, or even to know.  When the time is right, I will know and maybe I will share with the world.  In the meantime, this is my journey and my path, and I am grateful for all those who are in my life supporting me on it.

One week in, I don’t expect to feel settled.  I know that home is anywhere I feel and choose it to be, but I have more clarity now that “home” is where my parents are.   I also know that I don’t have to live there to know that, and that feeling is freedom.  I referred to my new place in Costa Rica as home yesterday, for the first time without thinking, because it is my home until I move again someday.  However, no place on earth can replace the feeling of “home” I have when I am in my parents’ condo in the outskirts of Cleveland.  If home is where the heart is, then my home is with them, not a place on a map.

I left my parents with a photograph of the lighthouse in our hometown and the following quote on the back of it:

“You can only be a lighthouse for your children.  You cannot steady the ship of the choices they have made, you cannot calm the sea of consequences, or stop the winds of worldly influences.  But you can be the lighthouse where they can see a steady light of truth, a beacon to show them the safe harbor, and the port where loving parents will always be there with open arms to welcome them home.”

I will gratefully continue on my with my travels, but how lucky am I to know that I have a home to go to if ever I change my mind?!

 

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Growing Pains

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lisa minime
“Really?”

It’s New Year’s Eve 2014, and I get to spend it with good friends and in yoga clothes, a perfect ending to a long hard year. This past week, however, I’ve been experiencing what I call “growing pains”. Let me explain.

With each one of you I’ve met with or read a card or message from, I have so much joy and heartache both. I realize how much I love every single one of you and as I’m happily answering your questions about my new plans, I’m realizing I’m going to have to leave you for awhile to live them out.

That doesn’t deter me, or make me question my decision, instead it feels beautiful and sad and incredible and, well very difficult to describe.

I’ve been crying a lot lately, this kind of cry where’s there’s actual pain in my heart and the tears are big, fat, crocodile tears. The thoughts I’m having are memories of my past, all the hard work I’ve done to be where I am, how much I’m going to miss everyone and how what is happening to me right now is a huge shift in my entire being.

Tonight I went from dancing and singing to sobbing within minutes. The painful crying was accompanied by thoughts of the beautiful cards, letters, messages, texts, phone calls and gifts from so many of you. It was for accomplishing my goals with healing my body and spirit, growing my two businesses, having the courage to leave unhealthy situations, and pride in, and love of myself.

As I sell off my belongings, I find myself feeling more lonely.  I find this to be very interesting as well. Why would the absence of furniture cause me to feel a feeling that is usually associated with other human beings, such as loneliness? A dear friend answered that question for me today.  She said that it’s not the furniture I see leaving, it’s the life I know, the familiar, and it’s ok to grieve that.  The moment she said it, it felt true.  I took a big breath and let it all go.  That’s all I really needed to hear in that moment.

Talking to another friend today, I told her that some people close to me were throwing alot of “what ifs” at me, and it really brought me down.  “What if you meet someone?”, “What if you get sick?”, “What if you run out of money?”, “What if a volcano erupts while you’re there?!”

Really? 

So my friend made a good point.  People don’t ask those kinds of questions on a daily basis, think about it.  What if I meet someone tomorrow while sick during a volcanic eruption?  What if?!

This friend reminded me to have patience with the questions, and although I can’t comprehend NOT doing what I’m doing for possible “what if” scenarios, I can understand that their questions come from a place of love and care.  I know that some of my closest family members won’t feel settled until they see me doing well, and I am so lucky to have that kind of love in my life.

The loneliness also comes from the simple fact that I am doing this alone. That’s ok.  I want and need this experience, for me and my own personal and spiritual growth.

Some would feel the pain of change and consider it a sign that it’s not the right thing to do. What I wish everyone could see is that big change cannot be possible without some sort of pain, unless you have no heart.  It’s imperative that you work through it, not avoid it, and stay aware of the feelings and thoughts that occur during the process.

I’ve received several messages from people I haven’t seen or spoken to in years, and they’re telling me what they are suffering with right now and how they wish they could make changes too. There are so many people who feel stuck and afraid.

The best advice I can give is this:
1.  Write down what it is you want
2.  Write the fears that stop you from moving forward
3.  Solve the “problem” of the fear by writing ways to work around the “what ifs”
4.  Acknowledge that you don’t want to have regrets
5.  and that you don’t know how much time you actually have
6.  Make one small move a day towards your goals
7.  Become your best Self
You might have growing pains, but if you don’t try, you’ll never know what could have been.