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This tree is on Ocatal Beach (Play as del Ocatal) in Costa RIca.
It was a reminder to me yesterday that my roots can be in more than one place at one time, and that would be a marvelous strength to have.
Week three has proved to be the hardest as of yet. Before I left home I had expected the first two weeks to be magical, vacation-esque, filled with excitement, newness and wonder. I imagined that maybe, if I even got homesick at all, it would be around week three. Right on cue, (or did I manifest it?), things changed. I felt worn out by the heat and not as in love with it as I was a week out of Cleveland’s -24 degrees when I left. I was tired of being dirty, constantly, as opposed to feeling like a kid, full permission to have dirty feet. I had been to town, to the two nearby beaches, to the grocery (daily), and in and out of every souvenir shop on the strip. I started to wonder what the hell I’m going to do for the next “however long I’m here”.
Over the weekend I went to my first party here. I felt like the new girl in school getting invited to her first party, and my thoughts ran wild, “Am I going to connect with anyone there, will they like me, will I like them, I can’t wait to go, I don’t want to go.”
I do love getting to meet new people. I love the stories of where people came from and how they came together. So I knew, no matter what happened, that I would have fun and be ok, and I went.
Let’s be honest, anyone going to a party as the “new girl/guy” is going to have some stress involved.
As I looked around the room and watched people who had been friends for years interact, I missed my people. I missed the comfort of relationships already built. I missed being myself and bouncing energy between me and ones I love and trust with my heart and soul. There’s a delicate balance needed of being completely open, and keeping your energy protected until you know what and who you are being open with. Feeling that, coupled with some deep conversation and a lot of food left me exhausted and ready to go home to bed, for a long time.
As I drove my borrowed golf cart 18 mph home in the dark, a massive and terrifying Weimaraner came bolting torwards my cart and ran 18 mph next to me showing his teeth and yelling at me for being on his street. I have never been so scared in my life. Ok maybe he wasn’t massive, but he was still terrifying, and oh ya, I was that scared before, about a week ago in Nicaragua when another wild dog came after me, and that time I was walking and it was a little worse… These wild dogs are everywhere, and normally very sweet and well tempered, just hot and hungry and most of them homeless, but I digress.
I started to pray. I sat up straight in my cart and begged to get home safe. Then I changed my words to, “I am safe and protected”, and started to let my muscles relax just a little about 2 miles down the road. Just as I was thanking God I was almost home, another crazy ass dog came out of nowhere. “OH MY GOD I SWEAR TO GOD GET ME THE #&$*! HOME ALREADY! (*$#!”
The next day I stayed in my room. All day. I needed to regroup. I needed to stop sightseeing, exploring, talking, eating, and over stimulating my senses, and just sit. I needed to meditate, to do yoga, to read, write and be alone. I played Krishna Das, Snatam Kaur, and other comforting “yoga” songs on repeat all day, each time they played they relaxed me and sent me deeper into my meditation, sleep, or emotional release. They were songs I’ve played in my classes a hundred times before, but it was like I was just hearing them for the first time on a much deeper level.
During that time I had dreams. Some while awake, and some during one of my many naps that day. They were scary, mostly, but telling. That day of peace and solitude reconnected me with myself and my purpose. It helped me see that I need to identify what it is I am missing so that I can create those things here, or wherever I land in my life. I wish more people could understand how sitting with, and examining their feelings could lead them deeper into understanding themselves, and take away society’s, and the ego’s judgments of what they think being alone means.
The other day, when I mentioned my Godchild back home had given me my keychain, I was asked if I going to be ok here. I wasn’t surprised to be asked that, after all, I do talk about my family and friends back home quite often. I’m proud of where I came from and the large and supportive group of family and friends I have there. “Of course I am!”
I explained that I was feeling a little guilty, like I should feel the emotion of “missing” people, but I don’t think I do. My people are with me whether I am here in Costa Rica, or in Cleveland, Ohio. I’m only half a day trip away, and we are all very deeply connected, not to mention there is always the internet. So my answer, of course, was yes. I am going to be ok here. What my life is missing right now is familiarity and a tribe, and there is no way to recreate that without staying somewhere, meeting new people, and spending some time. Three weeks isn’t going to do it.
Maybe Costa Rica is where that happens for me, maybe not.
What I do know is that it’s only been 3 weeks, I am not interested in moving on just yet, and to get to the good stuff, I have got to work on the hard stuff. Diving deeper into myself is what I asked for and wanted, and as always, when I ask, I receive.
Yesterday already started the new week off right, and I can’t wait to share it with you… next week!
Side note: I always write these blogs before I title them… I like to see what direction they go in and decide from there what to call them. I hope you’re enjoying reading, as much as I’m enjoying your comments. Thank you for being with me. Love and light ~L