This post has moved to my official website, LisaFlemingLIVE.com!
Today is the day. I’m finally on my way to Costa Rica and able to sit and relax. This is heaven, despite the fact that I am in the unpleasantly fascinating Miami Airport. It doesn’t matter, I can sit and breathe and do nothing if I want, which I do. I realllllly do.
Just to recap, here is the abbreviated and recent chain of events that lead me to this point: November 22nd-Dec 1 Retreat in Nicaragua, Nov. 24th I made a joke about moving to Costa Rica to live with Penny. By December 1st my joke turned into my plan. December 4th I told my business partner at one yoga studio I owned, and by January both of my studios had been sold. By February 12th I had moved out of my apartment and sold all of my furniture and most of my things, donated two truckloads and moved the rest to my grandparents’. There was Christmas, New Year’s, up to four dates per day with friends and family, and so many going away parties I lost count. I traveled to Canada for three days to be with new friends I made while in Nicaragua, and to Columbus to be with old friends. Then there’s all the little incidentals like changing my phone plan, returning my modem, changing my address, etc. Somehow, I managed to continue teaching and seeing clients up until February 10th, and not surprisingly, ran myself into the ground and got sick the very next day. It’s been amazing and exhausting both, in so many different ways.
I have been looking forward to sitting in the airport to eat, relax, and write, for weeks! However, as I wander this cold, dark and unfriendly airport, I’m reminded of what I left behind everywhere I look. I’ve seen a handful of men who resemble my father. Probably because his tears seem to be the most frequent image in my mind. I’ve seen the name of my yoga teacher on signs, little girls who remind me of my nieces, a balding head that I swore was one of my students, and even macaroons just like the ones my girlfriends and I drooled over just yesterday (yes, I bought and ate 4 while writing this). It’s been a surreal morning.
I slept for three hours last night, with dreams of all the incredible and beautiful things that lie ahead in my future. My alarm went off at 3:00 a.m. By 3:30 my grandfather had gotten dressed and had coffee waiting for me. By 4:00 a.m. my parents were at my grandparents’ house to pick me up. Grandma, and even my aunt visiting from out of town, wanted to be woken up to say goodbye to me. Yes, I was surprised! Who wants to wake up at 3:00 a.m. unless they have to?!
The energy of the house once everyone was there was heavy. I know there are all sorts of mixed emotions, especially from my parents.
When we arrived at Cleveland Hopkins Airport it was a bitter -12 degrees outside. My parents were on edge, and I had an overwhelming amount of excitement I was filtering; careful to not make them feel like leaving them was what was exciting me. How do I be happy for myself and express my pure elation at this opportunity to them when I know that what’s lifting me up is bringing them down?
I understand that they want me to be happy, they are excited for me, and they’ll miss me in ways I can’t understand because I am not a parent. It’s so hard to know though, that I am the reason for my parents’ tears, my grandparents’ worry, and my own anxiety. At the same time, I know that I have to go. An aunt reminded me this week that those are their fears and emotions, lessons to learn and grow from. Whatever is ahead for me, it’s going to make this all worth it, for me and for them, and in time we will all be ok again.
Shortly after I arrived in the Cleveland airport, my Father’s friend showed up for his own travel plans, and kept me company. As we talked about what’s happening in his life currently, I was taken back to my own similar history of illness and heartache. He’s healing and growing, doing the right things. It seems most of the people I know are going through some sort of transition in their lives right now. Whether we bond through blood, interests, pain or pleasure, the most important thing to remember is that we don’t break that bond. We put our differences of opinions, our own personal fears, and our egos aside, and we focus on growth, love and the bond itself. Somehow, changing the focus of any situation from the petty and the ego, to the love and positive truth of our initial connections, seems to make everything ok. At least it does to me.
That’s not to say I haven’t cried. I’ve cried almost daily. I’ve felt pain on my heart the past few days that can only be described as a feeling of something being pulled, or ripped from my heart. I’ve felt much appreciated grief for the life I have healed from, and sadness to be leaving friends I’ve just recently become close to. I’ve sobbed for my father, and ate my feelings 5lbs heavier. I’ve cried with my girlfriends and even my ex-boyfriend. I’ve blogged, prayed, boxed and danced, I’ve even tried to “yoga” the emotions out of my system. It all felt good to do, and it all was healing. So, why am I doing this if there is pain involved? I think about how much pain I would feel if I didn’t do it, and that thought is unbearable.
What about you? I’ve loved asking others through this process, what they would do if they had all the means to do it. So, what would you do if you could. If you were absolutely free to do whatever you wanted to, with no fear. I’d absolutely love it if you would post your answer in the comments! You’d be keeping me company, and maybe even giving me some new ideas too!
A friend made me the best travel cd, and on it is a song by Tom Petty: “It’s time to move on, time to get going. What lies ahead I have no way of knowing, but under my feet baby, the grass is growing. Ya, it’s time to move on, time to get going.”
You’ve got to hear this song. It captures the hope, the knowing, the pure joy, the sadness and the readiness I feel. Maybe it will do the same for you in your transition too.